Because I Always Have a Topic

Today, no topic. No guidelines. Just write.

So, this format of writing suggests no prior outline or thought, or really very much effort. It feels odd, like I'm vulnerable which is crap because this is my blog, I make the decisions.

Regardless, I suppose I'll just write about current events that are unique to myself. That's a problem, I'm not unique, nothing that I have done recently or am doing currently has not been done by somebody else. Is that a problem? No, no I don't really think it is. You have options, or rather, I have options as to what I draw from in this pool of what has already been done. So now that we've cleared that up, I have been doing what a good deal of people do- practicing bass. I have a fender deluxe jazz bass (and the bridge happens to say "badass bass", because really, a bass is the most badass instrument in a typical "rock" band.) Oh, while we're on the subject of "rock band" instruments, I would like to say one thing. Bass is a damn cool instrument. I'm tired of all these guitarists saying that bass is unimportant and insignificant and hardly qualifies as a real instrument. Well, try taking it out of any band and notice the huge empty gap you hear which is regularly filled in by the bass. Seven Nation Army by the white stripes might have well included a bass because the guitar part was practically and imitation bass-line. The bass provides a low, deep, intimidating sound that fill the room and vibrates sound waves of massive proportions. Not to mention, it keeps the beat along with the drums, a steady, consistent beat, which without, there would be no purpose to the song, just a mishmash of notes that follow no order. Oh, and I'm especially tired of guys saying that only girls play bass. Not true, there are plenty of female guitarists and a few female drummers. Brody Dalle, for one. Kim Gordon played guitar as well as bass. The bass guitar is a lot heavier than the electric guitar and the neck is a shitload longer and the frets are a lot wider apart and the strings are goddamn ginormous, not to mention the bass amps themselves are heavy as shit. I can't even lift my small one, I have to let the drummer carry it up and down the stairs for practice and even he struggles. That was my semi-mini-defense rant about bass guitar.

What else have I been up to? Rediscovering art, for one. I'm taking two art classes in school, which I'm happy about because I'm too busy to do any artwork outside of school, which is a shame because that was my passion until I lost time for it. Today was the first day in months that I had held a piece of charcoal. It was liberating. I never wash it off my hands because the streak of your preferred medium is a badge of honor. You wear it with pride or you don't deserve it at all.

Other than bass and art, school. I actually don't hate all of my classes this year. In fact, I hate none. In my U.S. history class, a girl was trying to argue with me. She said that Sarah Palin had nothing to do with the tea party and that she is "not that conservative". She said it with such determination like she couldn't possibly be wrong and she said it in such a manner that she got other people to believe her. So I'm like "No, Sarah Palin most definitely endorsed campaigns for tea party activists and works with them and is definitely associated with tea partiers. And um, in case you didn't notice, Sarah Palin is the poster-girl for conservative." But she wouldn't listen. I think she's a republican. Or an idiot. Pshh like there's a distinction.

Oh, and still volunteering at Internationalist Books. Still fun. I like how every new volunteer we get, on their first day at the store, they always wear their che guevara t-shirts like they have to impress everyone. I find it cute. They're so enthusiastic because they think they're gonna learn a lot about radical leftism, mostly anarchism and then they figure out-nope. You're gonna learn how to shelve books. You might hear the occasional ramblings about "those damn corporate pigs!" every now and then, but it's not like we got a chomsky sittin in the back presenting speeches and opening up debates. No, we're a bookstore. We specialize in literature. Not to say we're not the coolest most radical bookstore ever and I love it so much I work for free, but yeah, still sell books people.

Guess that's about it. Still have no life plan. You know, besides happiness.

Personal Experience With Religion

I wrote this for a class, initially.

Personal Experience Reflection

      I signed up for this particular class, Comparative Religions, because one thing that I regard as a factor in my identity is my religious background, or lack thereof. It is unacceptable, in my opinion, for an individual who claims to reject religion in their personal life to be ignorant of different religions and have no justification for their decision aside from simple apathy. I want to educate myself, at least at a beginner’s level on varies religions that most of our human population follow. Religion can sometimes define a culture or a community or even an individual and it’s important to be aware of their beliefs.

      I hope that by taking this class, I will better my understanding of major religions and become familiar with particular customs, days of observations and a history or background of each. I’d like to find out the exact structure, composition, history, etc of the Christian bible. I’d like to learn more about the process of becoming an adult at age 13 for an individual who follows Judaism. I hope to obtain a firmer grasp of Islam and the guidelines Muslims live by. I’d love to learn the philosophies and beliefs of a Buddhist as well as the precedents and lifestyle of an individual who is Hindu.

      I was never raised in a particularly religious or spiritual background. My father’s side of the family consists, mainly of different denominations of Christians, while my mother’s side of the family is mainly Islamic. My father himself practices no religion while my mother used to enforce select Islamic beliefs in me such as not eating pork because the pig was seen as an “unclean” animal. At age 8, I disregarded all religious influence anyone might have had on me and chose for myself with previously no advanced knowledge of other religions. I had been exposed to my mother’s side of the family more than I had my father’s and had attended a few Muslim weddings and taken part in prayers and readings. At a very early age, probably from the age when a child can comprehend ideas such as religion and gods and such, I was influenced to believe that there was some higher power guiding its people spiritually and showing them guidance and then rewarding them. However as I though about it more and more and about human existence, I decided that religion is useful and unites people and provides guidelines to those who need or seek it and is a basis for community and culture in some circumstances, but was not for me. Somewhere around second grade, I declared myself atheist and it wasn’t until just recently that I felt the need to identify with something more than a rejection of a certain idea. I came about a few philosophies that I identify with and have chosen to find meaning in. Those philosophies include humanism, because I believe that meaning is found in people and that life itself is magnificent and alluring and all products of the being are of significance. Along with identifying as a humanist, I also am a bit of a naturalist as I find meaning in nature and the world that surrounds us. We are, after all, a product of our environment. Also, I am quite the existentialist, which can pose a problem every once in a while when I over analyze human existence. It’s extraordinary; the search for purpose and it’s interesting and yet mentally draining to constantly be pondering why we interact the way we do within our environment and for what cause do we live. I suppose psychology plays a role in all philosophies, and religions are more or less philosophies that influence your decisions and lifestyle.

What is beauty?

 Beauty, by definition is a quality within a thing or being that evokes pleasure or satisfaction. This definition is rather vague and offers a multitude of examples that might fit. Among mainstream society, “beauty” might be the face of a plastic, overly made up and anemic model on the cover of the most popular magazine, of which happens to contain an endless supply of advertisements for atrocious cosmetics. These products are the basis of beauty for the reader; the quest for success ends with the encouraging idea that beauty is this pseudo ideal set up by companies to profit at the expense of the self esteem of the general public. That is not beauty. That is an outrageous facade hand-fed to the youngest of children. Adversely, beauty, by the nonconformist’s standards, tends to be intentionally the opposite of what the public domain suggests as beauty. Personally, I feel that beauty is subjective. Beauty is everything and very few things all at the same time. Beauty, from the existential stand point comes from life and pure existence. Life in itself is a beautiful miracle. A humanist might say that people are limitless fountains of beauty, constantly projecting beautiful ideas, products and emotions. Whereas a naturalist might feel that beauty is within nature, land, the air we breathe. Beauty is all of those things; it is in people of all backgrounds, ideas of all sizes, emotions of all degrees of purity and everything inside and outside of every universe. Everything is beautiful to someone; everything is a highly symbolic work of art whether it is a product of society, the individual or raw emotion.  

Here's One of the Problems with Being an Existentialist

I've narrowed down the essence of my existence. The 'cabin in the woods' lifestyle appeals greatly to me. I seek flight, I want to escape, I wish to breathe easy and weightless among nature. I want to find serenity upon the earth where I shall forever lie. But I don't wish to do this alone. Like Frodo, I require a companion for this journey, a Sam, if you will. Certainly not a Sid, because I don't much care for Nancy. Independence is vital and the price of owning oneself is never too high. At times, I don't think petty interests such as politics are of much importance. Music, art, conversation, beautiful instances of joyful ... fuck this.
I stare out windows. A lot. I'll be sitting across from someone, and I'll look past them out the window. I'll think about everything. About how we're inside, contained in more or less a box because we've chosen that path, about how others walk freely outside because they have also chosen that path. I think about how all the people out there don't think about how they're free like that, but instead about how they're constantly in motion, on the way to being imprisoned. I think I have issues with buildings....
I lay in grass. This occurs frequently. Nothing matters more than the moment. Of course, I tend to analyze everything and it's like watching a movie and being aware of a specified plot the whole time and how the scene with the clouds is transitional or symbolic or something. This perspective certainly makes life a lot more interesting, and yet a lot more depressing. I can never live in the moment. It's terrible. I miss out on a lot of experiences by over analyzing them and fitting them into the overall picture of our existence. The grand scheme of things, where none of us are at all important. It's complex and hardly worth the time to debate, yet I find myself pondering it endlessly. I try not to, I try to live without those restraints, perhaps this is why I seek a free lifestyle, limitless.

Sigmund Freud is Influential

Attempting to bond with the external world is a failure as you can not simply fall out of this world. You must be pushed, or guided, to put it subtly. You are a product of your world and if you happen upon a factor in your surroundings that is unique and unknown to you, you will be inclined to take note of it. Perhaps if you were subconsciously seeking an alternative world, this factor might bring forth a notion of limitless possibilities. Limitless, as simply opening up a vacuum and being suctioned in to a dark hole of space. The hole is thought to  await someone such as yourself to fill it with your attempts to construct a new world in the only open space. Endeavoring in the presumptuous belief that a simple being can be of significance to infinite space. The factor that lead you to conceive such inclinations will in fact soon enough become your own reflection in your new world. Others will come and go as they please, but one will pause and observe the vision your left behind. And they, like you, will embark on an exploration past their grasp of boundaries for their own new world. The holes however, are submerged within a capsule of sand and dirt. Eventually, we will run out of space and worlds will compound as exhausted ideas will be recycled among a collage of advanced abstractions. New will be distinguished as old and worlds that we will seek, will have already been found. Now, you can perceive why this attempt, contrary to previously stated, was never completely a failure. Rather, an awakening and liberation of self. It was crucial in order to maintain emotional balance and mental stability.

Hedonism Versus Practicality

Recently, a friend asked me why they had such trouble accepting relationships. My friend explained that they felt a fear of rejection and accepting love. I myself have spent the last number of weeks troubled over a similar conflict. Is love worth the risk? I told my friend "You over analyze the relationship. The whole concept of being in a relationship, however committed it may be, is for two people who strongly like each other to share their infatuation between them. Don't dwell on the end of a relationship just because it's the inevitable. It's okay to make mistakes in a relationship because you can learn from them later. Just do what feels appropriate and don't become paranoid. Live in the moment and if that means letting yourself fall in love, don't be afraid of it. It's part of the experience."

That being said, in general, is it better to take the hedonistic approach? Is there a grey area that some would call the "practical hedonist"? Can you live in the moment and make the best decision at the same time? Will analyzing the situation really make you any more reassured? Can you always trust your gut? When does living in the moment become hazardous? Is the stress we feel from trying to make decisions completely self-inflicted or is it really valid? It's all a lot to wrap you head around and it can feel overwhelming. From someone who spent one year making quick, hasty decisions that felt right in the moment and then spent the following 6 months full of regret, I can tell you that there is no easy answer. There is no quick solution.

What we can do to help us in this frustrating conflict, is to have a few guidelines. Know that whatever life decision you are facing, you must not harm another person. You must not harm yourself. You must not do something that goes against your beliefs and philosophies. Do not let yourself be pressured into anything. Do not seek advice from acquaintances. But certainly, do not linger forever on one decision. Don't be afraid to take a risk. Be practical and responsible, but remember that life is only worth living if you are happy. 

A Mission Trip for an Atheist

I've made a decision. I'm going to apply myself. Starting a few days ago, which by the way speaks a great deal about my new change of pace considering that I'm a chronic procrastinator. I'm going to start caring about school and my education and my future. Last semester, I let myself get distracted by experiencing life without caring or thinking first. Now, I must make up for that. For the next year and a half, I will not engage in activities with others that might distract me from my mission, save the occasional band practice, which for all I know, might be part of the overall mission. In order to gain headway on my mission, I've started educating myself before the time is necessary to do so. I've learned that in order to be truly interested in a subject, I mustn't be forced to learn about it. I have to be willing. So, I started reading and taking notes and using different sources and looking at powerpoints and all of that. I'm reading all the classics as well. (Of Mice and Men made me cry at the end, which by the way, I am not at all afraid to admit because I do not see emotion as weakness) I'm trying to teach myself as much as possible within the next two weeks, so that when I am forced to learn the same material, I won't be opposed to it since I will already be interested in it and familiar with it.
Another part of my mission, is to make a final decision. Perhaps not for as long as a few years from now, but at some point, I need to decide. I've been told by an old friend (and when I say "old friend", I do not mean that this individual is old in age nor that I have known them for very long, but that they were a friend a long time ago) that one should never spend so much time trying to make a decision. Instead, one should simply do what feels right in the pit of their gut and if later it turns out that they're happy, then they made the right decision after all. He never mentioned what might happen if one turns out to be unhappy. As you can tell, I am the type of individual who needs decisions made clearly, though it is not time-sensitive. What I need to decide, is what makes me happy? No, that's not it. I know what makes me happy. I know what displeases me and everything in between. I've known myself for sixteen and half years, even better than others might know themselves because I've given it quite a bit more thought than most people I've talked to about it. I think my real problem is that I have no problem, really. I think I just seek reassurance that I will be fine with my decisions. I'm rather content, actually. Sure, I'd wish for a few things here and there to be different, but overall, I am rather pleased with the way my life is going.
Sometimes, when I need encouragement, or inspiration, I refer to a section of writing that I keep toward the back of my desk drawer. As I retrieve it now, I'm reading over the words that I regarded so highly, for so long. But now, I am confident that the author has seen things only one way. The writer has never looked at other options toward life and has been steering themselves down one path that is particularly difficult to turn back on. Regardless, I do find very much value in the writer's words, as I am sure you might. So I will share a few choice words with you. "You make your own life worth living", I agree with this. Do not limit yourself to your environment and what has been given to you. Go out and find a new environment and give to others what you never had. "Never be afraid to grasp life by the reigns and steer yourself in whatever direction you choose." I don't recommend that you live impulsively just for the hell of it, but do remember that the greatest risk in life is to take no risk at all. You learn from your mistakes, which is why it's important for you to regret some things, so that when you're faced with a similar situation later, you will understand how to address it. Most importantly, I want you, whoever is reading this, to know something very important. When you are experiencing something new and you feel extraordinary happiness in that moment, do not let yourself wander deeper than that moment. Do not think about how soon, that moment will be over and what a shame it will be that it could not last longer or that it might one day turn out to not be all that extraordinary in the grand scheme of things. Instead think that you are happy and it is a special feeling and just fix your eyes on something beautiful, for when you look back on that moment later in life to remember a moment when you were truly happy, you don't want to remember that moment as one where you knew you could never be truly happy. I've made that mistake and I don't wish for you to. Whoever you are, know that you need not limit your capabilities and that your passion in life comes at no price. It is okay to make mistakes and hold regret just as it is crucial that you do not spend your time thinking that if only you had taken a risk you could have a story to tell to others who also hold regret. With love to the potential in all members of this world, I end this here.

The Prison System & Anarchy

So, earlier today, I attended an informational... show of sorts about the prison system in the united states. They kept saying "but capitalists won :( ". See, capitalism is constantly mistaken for something bad. Adam Smith did not intend for capitalism to be as we perceive it. It was supposed to be the small town competition between ma n' pa stores. This, what we have currently, this is not capitalism, this is corporatism. Sure, capitalism can develop into large scale corporatism, but there is a difference.
On a different note, they had their facts straight for the most part and did include some witty humor and did a good job of comparing the societal conditioning here to in Sweden, where the crimes are far less dangerous and don't require the type of "prison system" we have here. They also did an excellent job of explaining the mentality behind prison wardens and how people with that much power over "the bad guys" will abuse it more often than not. They also went on to explain how the legal system classifies innocent people and political prisoners as "criminals" and how harsh the treatment inside the prisons is.
But what I totally was just like "WHAT THE FUCK" at was their "solution". Well, if we don't like the prison system... what do we do about it? Well, their answer was "BURN THEM DOWN!" Are you fucking kidding me? Really? They were like "Well, it's the way society is, we'll fix society so we won't need prisons!" AGAIN, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?? Not to seem hostile here, but that's illogical and outrageous. What will we do with all the MS-13 members, rapists, murders, etc after we go and burn down the place where we contain them? Should we not do our best to end poverty and educate communities instead of going and burning these places down?
I hate anarchists who are so destructive and think that's the best way to create a societal revolution. But, they did give me a cookie... point is- Anarchy is associated with violence because of people with that kind of "I don't like it so I'll burn the motherfucker down!" mentality who claim to be anarchists. Other point being- we really do need to fix our prison system and unlike all the other anarchists, until we live in an anarchist society, I'm all for reform.