I'm Not Happy

If you're reading this, I won't mention you by name, I just thought what you said was important enough to blog about.

There have been numerous times in my life that I haven't exactly felt "happy". But what is "happy"? To feel happy is "delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing", meaning there has to be something to cause the happiness, "a particular thing". Honestly, the only times I've been depressed was during my childhood for certain reasons but I was never just not happy but not depressed. But I think as a person grows and discovers their identity and purpose in the world, their cause for living, they question everything and they go on this inner journey to "find themselves" as cliche as that may sound. During this process, a person can feel so out of body, like just thoughts within a different person who moves around the brain. It's the strangest feeling, almost scary, to look in the mirror and not recognize yourself. To look at the reflection and think to yourself "who is that? is that what I look like? Is that me?". It's utterly perplexing when your get so lost in your head that you become unaware of your outer self. Before I get off topic, that point in your life which comes at varies stages in your young adulthood where you are somewhat apprehensive about "leaving the nest" and finding your own path is terrifying. It's difficult to make that leap and take a risk that could screw up the rest of your life if you don't land where you intended to. The in between period is even worse, the one where you know you have to make that leap but you can't for whatever reason. You must wait and it's slowly killing you inside to know that now's the time. Now you must move but you can't. Perhaps this is why some people are unhappy. Of course in the broader sense of unhappy, for most it is simply the feeling of not having things turn out the way you'd prefer or to not have someone in your life to love and share romantic feelings with. Maybe right now, you were supposed to have achieved so much more in your life than you have. For the longest time, maybe 5 months, I was very empty. Like I could smile and fake excitement and spend time with friends but I could never stop myself from thinking "I'm not happy." I kept returning to certain events in the past, emotions and memories that held me back from creating new memories, from being happy and accepting new experiences. Of course this was a process relevant to myself, maybe others if they were in the same situation which isn't terribly uncommon, but after a while, you let down your walls again. It's a slow process, but you start to take things for their most beautiful and positive aspects. That moment of awakening is so liberating, to look around and just be able to appreciate life and mirth and true beauty. To see everything and everyone in such a light that gives it all such meaning and you such contentment. It's the feeling of lying on a hill in complete solitude and staring up at the clouds and really feeling the grass beneath you and the air around you. Unfortunately, the more naturalistic and existential self-liberation isn't quite successful for most. Some people require companions. They need others to make them happy. Not necessarily a significant other, but simply people surrounding them who care for them and find enjoyment in spending time with them. This is a good type of happiness, but people are imperfect therefore you will have your up and downs but more often than not you will be happy. Most unfortunate of all are the people who seek happiness in wealth and commodities. Meaningless possessions that merely pile up and hold no significance, just momentary healing. This is a bit off topic, but I do regret telling some people that I'll always be there for them if they need someone to talk to. It's frustrating and tedious when you have a handful of people coming to you with their problems on a daily basis. I'm far too impatient for that, but for some, there really will always be an opportunity for me to be there for you and I will make it whenever it need be. For very few people, I care very deeply about and want them to find true happiness. It's saddening to know that those people might be unhappy. For few people, my love for them as individuals runs much deeper than my love for all people of the human race which carries so much potential, but I rarely tell those few people that I love them. I hope they know that I do. I just want them to be happy.