I've made a decision. I'm going to apply myself. Starting a few days ago, which by the way speaks a great deal about my new change of pace considering that I'm a chronic procrastinator. I'm going to start caring about school and my education and my future. Last semester, I let myself get distracted by experiencing life without caring or thinking first. Now, I must make up for that. For the next year and a half, I will not engage in activities with others that might distract me from my mission, save the occasional band practice, which for all I know, might be part of the overall mission. In order to gain headway on my mission, I've started educating myself before the time is necessary to do so. I've learned that in order to be truly interested in a subject, I mustn't be forced to learn about it. I have to be willing. So, I started reading and taking notes and using different sources and looking at powerpoints and all of that. I'm reading all the classics as well. (Of Mice and Men made me cry at the end, which by the way, I am not at all afraid to admit because I do not see emotion as weakness) I'm trying to teach myself as much as possible within the next two weeks, so that when I am forced to learn the same material, I won't be opposed to it since I will already be interested in it and familiar with it.
Another part of my mission, is to make a final decision. Perhaps not for as long as a few years from now, but at some point, I need to decide. I've been told by an old friend (and when I say "old friend", I do not mean that this individual is old in age nor that I have known them for very long, but that they were a friend a long time ago) that one should never spend so much time trying to make a decision. Instead, one should simply do what feels right in the pit of their gut and if later it turns out that they're happy, then they made the right decision after all. He never mentioned what might happen if one turns out to be unhappy. As you can tell, I am the type of individual who needs decisions made clearly, though it is not time-sensitive. What I need to decide, is what makes me happy? No, that's not it. I know what makes me happy. I know what displeases me and everything in between. I've known myself for sixteen and half years, even better than others might know themselves because I've given it quite a bit more thought than most people I've talked to about it. I think my real problem is that I have no problem, really. I think I just seek reassurance that I will be fine with my decisions. I'm rather content, actually. Sure, I'd wish for a few things here and there to be different, but overall, I am rather pleased with the way my life is going.
Sometimes, when I need encouragement, or inspiration, I refer to a section of writing that I keep toward the back of my desk drawer. As I retrieve it now, I'm reading over the words that I regarded so highly, for so long. But now, I am confident that the author has seen things only one way. The writer has never looked at other options toward life and has been steering themselves down one path that is particularly difficult to turn back on. Regardless, I do find very much value in the writer's words, as I am sure you might. So I will share a few choice words with you. "You make your own life worth living", I agree with this. Do not limit yourself to your environment and what has been given to you. Go out and find a new environment and give to others what you never had. "Never be afraid to grasp life by the reigns and steer yourself in whatever direction you choose." I don't recommend that you live impulsively just for the hell of it, but do remember that the greatest risk in life is to take no risk at all. You learn from your mistakes, which is why it's important for you to regret some things, so that when you're faced with a similar situation later, you will understand how to address it. Most importantly, I want you, whoever is reading this, to know something very important. When you are experiencing something new and you feel extraordinary happiness in that moment, do not let yourself wander deeper than that moment. Do not think about how soon, that moment will be over and what a shame it will be that it could not last longer or that it might one day turn out to not be all that extraordinary in the grand scheme of things. Instead think that you are happy and it is a special feeling and just fix your eyes on something beautiful, for when you look back on that moment later in life to remember a moment when you were truly happy, you don't want to remember that moment as one where you knew you could never be truly happy. I've made that mistake and I don't wish for you to. Whoever you are, know that you need not limit your capabilities and that your passion in life comes at no price. It is okay to make mistakes and hold regret just as it is crucial that you do not spend your time thinking that if only you had taken a risk you could have a story to tell to others who also hold regret. With love to the potential in all members of this world, I end this here.
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