Inadequate.

 Here's me about to be an idiot. Oh well :)

Just for a second I find myself no longer thinking about it. Completely recovered and no longer addicted to that lifestyle. But then today I realize how badly I want it. It's edgy, talented, prolific, comforting, it's got a slight hint of danger, it unleashes an abundance of adrenaline, it has no boundaries and it's absolutely perfect. It satisfies all of my cravings and even more, that until I was reintroduced to that lifestyle, I didn't even know I had. So here I am, thinking that either I have to rid the world of this lifestyle so that thinking about it constantly does not force me to kill myself in a violent rage or that I have to learn that I am not dependent on this lifestyle and can live a happy and fulfilling life sober. I was fine today, in fact, I was great today. Only thought about it once as I looked upon a trigger image, but then, I saw the lifestyle itself in all it's alluring glory and currently, it is consuming my every thought. I want to burn it and watch every last ounce of it smolder into an unforgiving fire where it can never trace its way back to me again. And yet, I can't help but imagine how amazing life would be with it. How much my creativity would spike, how much more spontaneous life would be, how much greater and vivid the passion for life might be. I can almost taste it, or feel it soaring through my veins sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I might die without it, like it was the only thing that I ever felt encouraged my existence. But this is insane. I could have lived a perfectly normal, happy life if I had never even put myself in the position to get acquainted with such a drug. But now that I have, it still to this day holds a heavy power over me. The rush of inhaling the tantalizing substances and the aromas that soothe the air. The hunger for the rush of exertion then the blissfully content incline that follows lasts for days and the moments enjoyed with such a powerful lifestyle can be recounted over and over. Now I'm stuck. I know I shouldn't even think about it, but it's impossible not to. It's driving me to insanity faster than I ever thought possible and it's all I can do to keep somewhat stable in the eyes of others. To not draw attention to the fact that I'm slowly getting closer to cracking and impulsively taking regrettable actions. I miss it. I still love it. I don't think I'll ever stop. Lifestyle.