Inner Conflict

I seem to be asking myself  "What the hell is wrong with you!?" so very very often. I'm in love with something I can never have. Something I did have. Which makes it all the worse because everything I do reminds me of it. It emerges in my dreams constantly and follows me around like my shadow. It, when I discovered it, was so so different than what I was, what I wanted. As I grew to appreciate this thing, I began to fall in love with it more than I expected. It's every imperfection was perfect in that it made it unique. But now, I find that this something is far more special than I thought. I find myself changing in the exact same direction as it is. It is extraordinarily rare for two things to change, both at the same rate and to the same degree in the same direction. Most compatible, am I with this dismissed thing. If I could find it and bring it back and show it all that is has missed by being lost, I think it would benefit. But maybe it's selfish to think that it might for some reason be better off not forgotten.  I think I've gone mad with paranoia. I wear a frown and confused eyes which do not suit me. Being truly infatuated with this idea or thing, it was never a doubt in my mind, and in my mind, being truly in attracted with something means you never stop being so. Maybe you forget about it, but the instant that you do remember, even for a second, you understand again just how much you miss it. How much it meant and how much it will always mean for being such a large role in your identity. If ever there was an opportunity for me to express my gratitude to it, I would jump at the chance. But I think that ship has long since sailed and left me standing at the dock. I'm deeply saddened by this, so now all I can do is hope that in time my memory will fade and it will lose all of it's importance in my life. Or perhaps it was never that important at all. No, I don't think it's worth anything now. Maybe then, but then is the past and now I am far from the stage where I'd ever want to retrace those steps. Those steps are now swept over with a tree limb.. and... that made no sense. No, it did, you just have to be in my head to understand it, I suppose.