Over the past 3 or so days, I managed to isolate myself from all technology except a cell phone for safety purposes. Once, I was conversing with someone about how television is but a box meant to keep the general public docile and misinformed and my friend looked at me and said "well, so is a computer. it has become the future generation's tv set." and I realized he spoke the truth. While the internet in all it's technologically advanced glory is one of the greatest inventions ever, it builds barriers upon barriers. So, I spent 3 days doing things like laying in grass, gazing at stars, playing bass with others, listening to old albums I haven't heard since I was younger, etc. I also used this time for self-analyzing and getting to know myself better, so I disconnected contact with friends, save one phone call. I took off from my shift at the bookstore and did some thinking. Quite a good deal of thinking.
After all this thinking, I've only come to a few conclusions and left most of my questions unresolved, but this is a good start, I think. One thing I have come to realize about myself, is that I tend to limit myself more than I should. If I have painted this large canvas and I took a few hours to finish it and I really enjoyed myself while I was painting, for the while as I am standing back and staring at my finished product, I am pretty well content with my work. However, if I so much as for a second look at someone else's artwork who might have done a better piece, I become discouraged and adopt the feeling of failure. As if no matter what the circumstances were, what it came down to in that instance was my failure and the other artist's success at producing a visually appealing and thought-provoking piece of art. When someone calls me an artist, I don't feel like I should accept such a highly-regarded compliment because I suppose I feel inadequate compared to other artists who have actually taken an art class, had some artistic training and have been practicing for years.
But art is just one small part of my life, of my interests. I don't know if I should fall back on what I for so long regarded as a hobby, as a career. This leaves me with more options than I want. What do I do after high school? College seems most practical, assuming that the state of the economy gets better in the next 6-8 years. If I get my bachelor's degree, I will definitely invest in obtaining a master's because having that second degree makes a world of a difference in the job market.
Speaking of the job market, I applied to two places within the last week. I already volunteer at Internationalist Books, so I used that as job experience on my resume. I emailed the store manager at Twig (they sell environmentally friendly products) an employment inquiry and a copy of my resume via email and an inquiry at Studio Supplies (an art supply store within walking distance to ibooks) who requested a hard copy of my resume at the store, which gave me a chance to meet at least one of the employees. I suppose if I work for a few years as an employee at say, that art store, I could one day work my way up to manager. However, that would mean staying in Chapel Hill all my life, which I don't want.
I want to travel, I want to experience different cultures and countries. I want to live in San Fran for a while (yes, I am fully aware of how expensive it is), I also want to try to go to college in Asheville NC, maybe spend a few years in Portland Oregon. Then visit Sweden for maybe a month and later in life, retire in Canada. Oh, and visit Seattle of course.
My career options are as follows: Freelance photographer, journalist (even though newspapers are becoming obsolete), news/radio broadcaster, high school art teacher, art gallery owner (rent out spaces), tattoo/piercing artist, design political/comical t-shirts etc, open up a community center/bookstore (basically be the next bob sheldon), club owner, documentary filmmaker, own a cd/record store (even though mp3s are more popular :P) etc.
I no longer feel like writing. BUT LIFE'S HARD, SO SUCK IT UP. ahem...
Anyway, I wish I was better at song writing. Maybe I just need more inspiration. Oh, bill S709 was passed a few days ago, so hydraulic fracking is now legal in our region. fucking bastards. Offshore drilling off the coast of NC might also become legal if bills S728 (i think?) passes. I HATE CORPORATISM. I HATE REPUBLICANS. GO. FUCKING. DIE.
Wow, my thoughts aren't really organized. I'm just very tired at the moment. I need to start listening to the males' punk bands' female counterparts. It's a shame that the only punk bands I can think of with prominent females off the top of my head are the distillers and bikini kill :(
Another thing I've been thinking about, is just how important are human relations, really? Part of me likes solidarity because I can think inside my own head a lot more which is nice, but what is even better, is to have someone think thoughts out loud and share different ideas with you. To collaborate. What I lack, at the moment, is someone who I can have deep conversation with. Well... I have a few people that if I wanted to, I could discuss topics on a deeper level of thinking, with them... but I want a person who will spontaneously go lay in the grass of some remote field only to star gaze and have an existential or naturalistic conversation. I want to share my thoughts and ideas with people, but for varies reasons I haven't done so in months. People who can look past the petty things that this plastic jungle can offer, and appreciate life for what is real and true, are the ones that I seek. Sadly, there are fewer than I would like. Or perhaps there are many, but they are just hidden amongst a sea of materialistic, self-absorbed, brainwashed, consumerist, conformist morons who wouldn't dare think for themselves for once. And what's worse, is that those few people, or many i suppose, sometimes have the worst personalities making it hard to stomach them as a whole.
Fuck, I can't articulate my thoughts well enough to continue this blog post. It was poorly ...fuck i can't even think of a goddamn adjective to describe the way i structured this shit.... i'm so tired.... farewell.
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